I don't know why I almost stopped drawing, after doing it my whole life. Maybe it was a mix of many things. I've lost all the places where I used to draw, my table, my room. Then I left my home, and I had no tables, no proper lights and so on, but one thing was missing more than the others: inspiration. Drawing was relaxing to me, now it's so stressful. I say myself: there's no reason to draw for myself, because the things I draw I already saw them in my mind, I have no reason to draw them if no one will see them, if no one will appreciate them. Maybe it's been the constant feeling of being ignored that killed my passion, maybe it's just that I can't improve anymore and I'm tired to be unhappy with my own works.
Then, in 2007, my hands started to hurt. Now, everytime I hold a pencil for more than 10 minutes my fingers start to hurt from the inside, my whole hand and my wrist hurt aswell. My fingers feel cold and stiff, I can't control the pencil the way I did.
I don't know. It's so painful to draw for more than 30 minutes.
Now I'm taking piano lessons. Maybe I'll be good at it, I won't accept another failure. I'm hoping that if my fingers get stronger, they'll stop to hurt. I really love music and everytime I had an instrument in my hands I always felt the strong need to play it, to touch it. I don't know why I've never tried to play something. Well, I for sure missed time, and I was so into drawing that I would have never believed that I would have lost that passion.
Even with writing I have troubles. I love to write, people says I'm good at it, but I never feel the need to read. I'm slow at reading, I can read 1, 2 books per year. After I read a book, I always feel the need to write a lot and I do that, but then I stop reading, and I stop writing. I've never been a great reader.
But I'm a great music listener, so I hope this is my way. Let's see. Still, the fear is running deep in me, I need a lot of support, a lot of motivation coming from the outside.
I just feel like I can't hold what I want, like I'm bound to be mediocre for the rest of my life.
When you have some talent,it doesn't matter what kind of talent it is, you should always take care of it, and fight to improve it even if it is only for yourself or for your friends that appreciate it.I know how much you are good on drawing and what a great talent you have and I am really, really sorry that you decided to stop... :( I think you won't have any difficulties in learning piano, but I also think that you undervalue yourself ... you can do whatever you want, you only have to get your determination out! Be conscious of your talents and capabilities, get out your anger for what you do, and go get what you want!!
ReplyDeleteAnd if you need your friends support, even if sometimes we are not so close, remember that you will always have it for everything you will decide to do ...
Thank you sweetie :) I guess the big problem is that I'm so scared about failure, and I keep on thinking "and what if I fail? what I'll do? I'll have wasted a lot of time". Sometimes I feel like I've spent 20 years of my life doing something useless, and like now I have to start again from zero. I really don't understand what I want to do, what I like, how much of all the mess I have in my head is just the result of a lot of pointless self-pity and need for attention. I don't know what I want to do, what's the sense of what I'm doing. I fear that all the efforts I'm putting into the things I do will be wasted again, since it already happened. Maybe it's just that during my whole life I received no support from my parents and teachers and that created this complex of being ignored in my head, but maybe I'm just making things up and making everything bigger just to blame someone else instead of myself. Who knows :)
ReplyDeleteI think all I need is more time to make my things, an environment that is more culturally alive than the one I'm in and more proper social life, and not a daily "meeting bored people at the bar/in the train" and yes, more actual contacts with my friends, I can't be satisfied with virtual interaction.