Garden pictures

My hands are my worst enemy

It's not that I have to think too much to understand how it will be to spend all my life dealing with this annoying pain, it's been 4 years since it started, so I forgot how it was before. It's funny, it's like the more I stay still the more the pain grows, the more I stay awake, the more the pain grows. I have to sleep, I have to do relaxing things, I have to live quietly and according to my needs, but I can't.

But the worst thing isn't the pain itself, it's more that it seems that no one will ever understand it, I just can't find a way to explain how maddening it is and I'm convinced I will never receive a single bit of empathy from anyone, because I can't just explain how it is. Even the doctor found it hard to figure out, he said he never heard about similar pains before. It's exasperating, nothing more, nothing less. Some days I feel like I just want to bang my head into the wall or take a knife and injure my hands, because they keep on being so annoying.

I found out that hurting myself, like, lightly scratching my skin with a blade, makes the pain fade away, maybe because it's some kind of relief valve. Uhm, I don't know what to do, I can't find a way to have some peace.

They hurt even when I'm drawing, I just try to ignore it and keep on drawing, I'm getting used to draw and type with my hands in pain, even right now my joints feel like burning.

So, so fucking annoying, and I have no solution whatsoever.

Water is the key

Funny it is, that I keep on dreaming water, flooded places and angry birds. Tonight I dreamt three riot huge pidgeons challenging me in my own garden, while water was pouring into my house from a crack in the ceiling. Outside it was raining, on my flooded terrace a men was meddling with some pipes.

A Trial

Cormorant's Egg

I really really like my dreams, so I write them down!

Read and leave your comment (beware, italian language!)

L'uovo del cormorano

I have to check a couple of old dreams I wrote, they need to be refreshed, then I'll share them too! And I'll write some other, even tough they're not that easy to put on paper...well, I'll try!

Shaman

Some days I just get so depressed.

Summer time?

Yay! The concert went good, I fucked up lots of things but it was fun! Whee I'm happy :D I felt like a real noob (because I am!)! I really want to keep on with practicing this summer, I'm even thinking that maybe I could try to - at least - understand Yes, Anastasia...

Last week I attended this super awesome festival called "Dialoghi sull'uomo" in Pistoia. I had the opportunity to listen to great people's speeches, such as Umberto Galimberti, Marco Aime, Roberta de Monticelli, Telmo Pievani, Rossella Ghigi and Marc Augé. Really a great, inspiring festival!

I'm getting confused about a couple of my friendships, I really don't know what to do or what I want. You know, you have a dear, dear friend and suddenly you feel you don't have anything in common with that person anymore. When you're together, you feel distress...is it normal to feel like that when you're talking to a person you've been friend with for YEARS? I'm really confused because I've always loved this person and now I feel like I'm not interested anymore, like, too much effort to keep this friendship alive, like I'm getting tired of trying to communicate and failing.

I don't understand who I have to blame? Me, my friend? Don't know. I feel like I'm being horrible, indolent, because my friends is still so nice towards me, lovely indeed, always reminding me of sweet things, sweet moments. I'm really grateful. But I also think I ain't the only one to blame, I see no effort, if not occasional ones, coming from the other side, to keep the intellectual relationship alive. And sometimes I feel like I've been accommodating too many times.