My hands are my worst enemy

It's not that I have to think too much to understand how it will be to spend all my life dealing with this annoying pain, it's been 4 years since it started, so I forgot how it was before. It's funny, it's like the more I stay still the more the pain grows, the more I stay awake, the more the pain grows. I have to sleep, I have to do relaxing things, I have to live quietly and according to my needs, but I can't.

But the worst thing isn't the pain itself, it's more that it seems that no one will ever understand it, I just can't find a way to explain how maddening it is and I'm convinced I will never receive a single bit of empathy from anyone, because I can't just explain how it is. Even the doctor found it hard to figure out, he said he never heard about similar pains before. It's exasperating, nothing more, nothing less. Some days I feel like I just want to bang my head into the wall or take a knife and injure my hands, because they keep on being so annoying.

I found out that hurting myself, like, lightly scratching my skin with a blade, makes the pain fade away, maybe because it's some kind of relief valve. Uhm, I don't know what to do, I can't find a way to have some peace.

They hurt even when I'm drawing, I just try to ignore it and keep on drawing, I'm getting used to draw and type with my hands in pain, even right now my joints feel like burning.

So, so fucking annoying, and I have no solution whatsoever.