Yeah, I dislike a lot of people and things.

My childhood was weird, I wasn't a social girl at all, I lived in my own fair dreamland, my friends were all pretty much imaginary and I was always labeled as the weird one, I was the one nobody wanted in their team, the one nobody wanted to be paired with, because I was so weeeeeiiiiirrrddd and not cool! Since then I was attracted more by the boys' social behaviour than the girls'. The girls were all bitchy and they loved to cluster, like, united we stand, divided we fail. I hated to cluster. I never got why girls and boys couldn't group together, why they had to be two different marshallings. The point is, I hated being with the girls. They cared about boring stuff, clothing, boys, gossip and crap.
Now I'm almost 25 and I still feel bad when girls cluster, segregating me or leaving me out without a reason. How many times I've been told "Can you leave us alone?" "You're not invited" and crap like this. Why are children so stupid? And WHY are there adults who behave the same way? You know, sometimes you meet these girls who never stopped being children and they want to relive their glorious childhood. Sometimes you meet this ignorant, sometimes catholic, bigoted women and you want to slap their faces and tear their uselessly huge egos into pieces.
Then I look at me and I see a girl whose qualities and flaws concur. It just depends on the perspective, you know? People tells me "you're a bitch and that's not good" and then "about you I like that you're a bitch". So, what shall I do? I keep on being a bitch and fuck off everyone who thinks I should be a nice, catholic, polite, fussy and classy little cute girl.

And yes, I'm a Tori Amos fangirl, live with it.

Society Isolates

When I was living in my hometown I knew a lot of people, but they didn't like me because I was weird and I never used to hang out with the people I knew there, if not randomly. The only friend I had outside the school walls was this sweet girl I still love a lot, so we used to meet every saturday (because we didn't live very close, considering we were teenagers and didn't have cars) and that was fun. I think she's the only person I'm still in contact with from there.
Now I moved far away from home. I have a lot of good friends all around the country but because of the great distance we can't see each other too often. It happened I didn't had occasions to meet some of my dear friends for more than two years, some of them I see only once or twice a year.
Here where I live there's some nice people and I like to hang out with them, but I still feel like I'm the foreigner, because you feel like that when you know nobody but three people in a whole city. I'm beginning to know people, but knowing them won't make me feel like I have people I can count on.
Sometimes I feel I really want people to like me, maybe sometimes I try too hard, sometimes I don't try at all to be likeable. I don't want to sacrifice myself to collect some company, still I happen to feel alone and lost. I love the place where I live, I really do, and I really want to be part of it. That's why it frustrates me so much that I still feel like a stranger.
At the end of the day, we are all social animals.

All we find reject our mind, don't you wonder why?

If the war by heavens gate released desire, in the line of fire someone must have known that a human heart demands to be admired, cause in the center of the universe we are all alone.

I have a tale to be told, won't you listen tonight?

Trusting to chaos

There are many paths I can walk. I want to walk them all but I have to choose if I want to leave myself to mediocrity or if I want to pursue a single purpose with all my heart. You see I think all those paths are complementary, so there are no reasons to give up on any of them.

There's stories. I like stories and I like to craft stories, and tell them somehow. It doesn't matter the medium I choose, because every medium tells the same story from a different perspective. You can tell Red Riding Hood through a comic, a song, a poetry, a novel, an illustration, and it will always look like a slightly different story each time. The same story, yes, but different details, different mood, different feelings. So I can tell a story using ALL of these mediums, it's just that I need to master them all to complete the work successfully, to craft a single thing made out of so many different pieces.

It will take time, I'll just let things go as they come. As always, I'll let the chaos stream lead me, it brought me along a good path, I can't complain.

Oh, I'm working on a little little project I hope to finish in time (Sept. 1st). 80% done. It's a quite blue illustration, with sea and waves...and the waves are quite challenging to make.

And now, Nautical Twilight, from Tori Amos' upcoming album "Night of Hunters".

"Carry" video stills (for Unf & TI.it)

Marq...again.

K, I'm still working on these portraits of Imago Vocis' characters, but I must admit I'm not really in a drawing mood, lately. I'm tired, stressed because of travelling and people and work and stuff and I really don't feel like drawing. But today I was writing down my notes for the book and I ended up opening Marq portrait's PSD. I just edited the picture again, changed the colours. Here it is. Lilh is still on costruction, obviously.

Sunshine

Overblown Virgilios

I was wandering today: it's funny how everybody tries to push others to do what THEY think is the best for them. Like, in my whole life people mostly encouraged me to do things I didn't care for, butwhen I needed support for something I really wanted to do...none. Skepticism, disinterest, mistrust. Because the things I wanted to do were all useless and crazy.

I think, except a few lovely people and a pragmatic bitch, nobody has ever believed in me, not really the persons I needed to believe in me, when I needed it.

I mean nobody is ever going to give me the self-esteem I miss, that's why I'm building myself so that I'll be able to be proud of me, maybe, in the future.

I see my own flaws, bitches, I see all of them, while you don't. But I can see all my bright spots too, and again you don't. I'll give you sight, then.

I've been told that George Martin dedicated A Dance with Dragons to "the fabulous fans of Italy who gave me so much wine" :D I wrote on that wine box. Funny it is, that we gave him the wine in 2005...fast writer you are, uncle Georgie.

Bichrome stranger

Music, places and awesomeness all around.

I'm planning my next 4/5 months, and I'm happy to see I'm finding shitloads of shows to attend.

Next week there'll be a medieval festival in this cute place that is Monteriggioni, and usually there's a lot of folk music and a fascinating atmosphere. Yes, I'm attending the festival for the third, maybe fourth time. Last year I skipped it because they didn't invite the awesome players of the Compagnia La Giostra, which I really really like.

July 19th there'll be a really fun show of Paolo Ruffini in Torrita di Siena. He's a comic, famous for dubbing clips of well-known movies using Livorno's vernacular language.

July 24th I'll attend Ludovico Einaudi's concert in the San Galgano abbey, another lovely place in Siena's countryside.

August 1st I'm going to attend Maurizio Crozza's show in San Gimignano. He's an awesome satirist.

August 31st there'll be the Bravio in Montepulciano, I must admit I never attended it, my parents would love to see it so I'll go with them :P

From September 2nd to 9th I'll go to Iglesias (Sardinia) to see my dear sardinian friends. I always love to go there, because they love their land SO much (because it's beautiful indeed), and they always show me awesome places. They're all quite creative people, musicians, photographers, artists, I like to go there.

September 20th will be released Tori Amos' upcoming album "Night of Hunters" and I'm already excited!!

October 8th I'll go to Rome to attend Tori's show! I just got my tickets, this time I've taken good seats.

From October 28th to November 1st there will be the HUGE Lucca Comics festival. I'm there, as always. I'm a nerdy ex-otaku, plus, it's often the only opportunity I have to meet some of my friends who live in distant cities.

And then, from November 19th to November 21st I'll be in Stahleck, Germany, playing Game of Thrones LCG Tourney :P Yeah, I'm THAT nerd.

Garden pictures

My hands are my worst enemy

It's not that I have to think too much to understand how it will be to spend all my life dealing with this annoying pain, it's been 4 years since it started, so I forgot how it was before. It's funny, it's like the more I stay still the more the pain grows, the more I stay awake, the more the pain grows. I have to sleep, I have to do relaxing things, I have to live quietly and according to my needs, but I can't.

But the worst thing isn't the pain itself, it's more that it seems that no one will ever understand it, I just can't find a way to explain how maddening it is and I'm convinced I will never receive a single bit of empathy from anyone, because I can't just explain how it is. Even the doctor found it hard to figure out, he said he never heard about similar pains before. It's exasperating, nothing more, nothing less. Some days I feel like I just want to bang my head into the wall or take a knife and injure my hands, because they keep on being so annoying.

I found out that hurting myself, like, lightly scratching my skin with a blade, makes the pain fade away, maybe because it's some kind of relief valve. Uhm, I don't know what to do, I can't find a way to have some peace.

They hurt even when I'm drawing, I just try to ignore it and keep on drawing, I'm getting used to draw and type with my hands in pain, even right now my joints feel like burning.

So, so fucking annoying, and I have no solution whatsoever.

Water is the key

Funny it is, that I keep on dreaming water, flooded places and angry birds. Tonight I dreamt three riot huge pidgeons challenging me in my own garden, while water was pouring into my house from a crack in the ceiling. Outside it was raining, on my flooded terrace a men was meddling with some pipes.

A Trial

Cormorant's Egg

I really really like my dreams, so I write them down!

Read and leave your comment (beware, italian language!)

L'uovo del cormorano

I have to check a couple of old dreams I wrote, they need to be refreshed, then I'll share them too! And I'll write some other, even tough they're not that easy to put on paper...well, I'll try!

Shaman

Some days I just get so depressed.

Summer time?

Yay! The concert went good, I fucked up lots of things but it was fun! Whee I'm happy :D I felt like a real noob (because I am!)! I really want to keep on with practicing this summer, I'm even thinking that maybe I could try to - at least - understand Yes, Anastasia...

Last week I attended this super awesome festival called "Dialoghi sull'uomo" in Pistoia. I had the opportunity to listen to great people's speeches, such as Umberto Galimberti, Marco Aime, Roberta de Monticelli, Telmo Pievani, Rossella Ghigi and Marc Augé. Really a great, inspiring festival!

I'm getting confused about a couple of my friendships, I really don't know what to do or what I want. You know, you have a dear, dear friend and suddenly you feel you don't have anything in common with that person anymore. When you're together, you feel distress...is it normal to feel like that when you're talking to a person you've been friend with for YEARS? I'm really confused because I've always loved this person and now I feel like I'm not interested anymore, like, too much effort to keep this friendship alive, like I'm getting tired of trying to communicate and failing.

I don't understand who I have to blame? Me, my friend? Don't know. I feel like I'm being horrible, indolent, because my friends is still so nice towards me, lovely indeed, always reminding me of sweet things, sweet moments. I'm really grateful. But I also think I ain't the only one to blame, I see no effort, if not occasional ones, coming from the other side, to keep the intellectual relationship alive. And sometimes I feel like I've been accommodating too many times.

My evolution!

Nuns, random stuff

TrueFantasy: Intervista ad Alessio Banini

TrueFantasy: Intervista ad Alessio Banini: "Un saluto a tutti gli amici lettori di TrueFantasy! Oggi la nostra cara Giordana Gradara ha intervistato per noi l’autore dei romanzi “Raz..."

I am my enemy

Self indulgence is an artist's worst enemy. Laziness is another one. I could keep on calling it "lack of inspiration", but if I would I'd be able to find it. I'm just too lazy to sit down and concentrate on the lines. I let myself getting frustrated too fast, my power of will is weak as a dead hamster.

I really need to learn again how to hold a pencil and draw, how to mess around with watercolours.

Why did I stop drawing comics, back in 2001 (or whatever year it was)? The idea that I needed to go "professional" sticked in my mind and never left. I begun to care way too much about the technical side of comics, I listened too much to those voices who were telling me that "in Italy there is no way one can became a comic writer, just forget about it, it's a pipe dream". And I was shocked! I was like "wait...what? Why am I doing this stuff if I can't live on it? They're my life and you're telling me I can't live off of them?". And this thing got me really depressed, I couldn't accept the fact that nobody would've read my stories. I forgot that is was FUN to

draw comics, I was really living in that world, I loved my characters...but I did something wrong at a certain point, I though my comics HAD to be inked to be considered comics and not amateurish shit. Then I realized I hate inking, my drawings look bad after they're inked. This got me depressed even more, and in the meanwhile I tried to get rid of the "manga" look, trying to add details and stuff. This bored me. I don't know why I couldn't just go along with my simple, cartoonish style. Now I'm so frustrated that I'm not able to draw 'consequential' illustrations anymore. Just, I can't draw the same face twice, side by side. I'm out of training.

I'm still trying to force myself to bring back my skill, so that I can draw shitty, funny comics again.

Ill days

I'm feeling pretty bad since thursday evening, I must have eaten something bad. I'm feeling quite nauseated since then, a little stomachache, light fever, shivers...fuck. I had to skip a reharsal for the concert and a trip to Siena, and I'm really not feeling like doing anything but sitting at the pc or talking (complaining). I'm not even feeling hugry even if these days I haven't been eating quite at all.

Yesterday I was feeling a bit better so I went out and bought some flowers for my terrace. Got some geraniums :) Next time I'll go for a couple of mesembryanthemum and then maybe a couple hydrangeas for the shady spots. I love flowers :D

Uhm, I'm planning a lot of travels to do in the future but I'm not sure I'll have the money to afford them, so I decided I'll look for some random barmaid work during the summer. You know, Tuscany, tourists = work at restaurants/bars. Then, in June I'll probably go back for a few days to work in Siena at the bar :)

Oh I'm really feeling like shit.

Busy months

I have too many things to do in just a few days...you know, illustrations, logo design, piano, stuff and so on. It somehow feels good, but I feel nervous too, with all this deadlines drawing nearer and nearer. We're not talking about months we're talking about DAYS. Oh shit I even forgot how to speak english today, fuck. Anyway, it's good to have people commissioning works.

Scarlet

Scarlet (quick)

Never ending winter

I'm tired of all this cold, I'm an autumn/spring kind of person and I'm SICK of this winter. It really stops me from doing anything. When it's sunny I wake up early, I do things, I read, I draw, I play...but when it's cold I can't really concentrate on what I have to do, I just can't relax and so I end up sitting in front of the pc downloading random TA bootlegs (just finished Plugged Tour, Strange Little Tour and Sinful Attraction Tour, I'm on my way to finish Dew Drop Inn) because I'm a sucker for live stuff. I just love when a song I don't like on an album turns out to be so good live. Live music doesn't have that gloss, that polish that studio recordings often have, it's more raw and visceral, and that's what I like in music: passion, humanity.

These days I'm writing random pieces of Imago Vocis. It's cool when you get ideas while writing. You leave the words to rest for one or two days and then, when you come back to read them, you find out that all you wrote SUCKS. This is a thing I've learned, I don't have to care about the form at this stage of the creative process, that's such a wrong thing to do. I used to, that's why I never completed any of my projects. Never finished a comic, never finished the City. All I've been able to conclude were a couple of short stories, that I keep on editing. Now I want to take all the time I need to do this, I don't want anybody to read it before the first draft it's done.

Uhm, these days I'm really missing people. I'm grateful there are still few friends talking to me through facebook or skype, but I'm really loosing contact with many people even tough I look for them.

He Belies The Faith - Marq

About the hand thing

First time I went to the doc he told me it was really unlikely that the issue was psoriasis. He asked me lots of questions about me, about my family, about the reasons why I left my home at the age of 19, if I had panic attacks, if I was having insomnia and such. He asked me if I'm short-tempered, used to fight and I said no, not really, I hate fighting, actually hearing other people screaming and fighting makes me feel nauseated and in panic. He told me to take small doses of Xanax for three weeks to see if they'd relieve my pains, and they did. I slept better and more, the hand pain was almost gone, but overall better.

So I went back to the doc and told him so. He told me well, so now we know it's a psicological issue, so we might try this other psychotropic drug that you'll have to take for the next six months....I stopped him and told him I had left my workplace and I was planning to take some months of rest at home. So he said 'ok so no drugs for you'. Phew.

The thing that scares me is: when I'll find another workplace, will I have to take those drugs?? I mean I know the pain will be back, I'm still having annoying twinges in the night, I can remember myself grabbing and kneading my wrists to relieve the pain several times (no, it really seems like my body completely forgot how to relax)...so what, drugs are the only possible cure to this fucking, annoying, condition? yuppie.

And another thing I have to say. I really really hope that whoever shows disrespect towards my girl is going to have a really horrible life. How the hell can you treat such a tiny and sweet thing in such a rude way? Go fuck yourself, moron.

Yersin! 2

Yersin!

Nuke Mama

Now that I'm done with the Xanax, with work and stuff my hands are feeling better. The pain keeps on showing up at times, especially in the night, but not as intense as before. I'm still NOT relaxed at all, but I'm more relaxed then I was one month ago.

These days I'm on heavy dream flow, places are back. Now we have distant doors hidden between layers and layers of green curtains.

I was in this house with a lot of doors, it was a really big house with a big garden. While looking for the exit door I took the wrong way and ended up in some sort of internal greenhouse, with a couple of vintage white armchairs, a tiny round table and lots of plants in the twilight. All closed behind glass doors. I tarried in that room because I liked ita a lot, I felt at home, then the owner of the house called me to show me the right door, the distant one after all those layers of green drapes. Anyway, I couldn't reach the door fast because in the corridor there were these...I called them witches but they weren't all witches. There was some deformed guy who resembled Hitler and some other weird creature. They stopped me and kept me to draw for them. When I left the house I went to a meadow. It was the sunset, and I was there with this table and a couple of desklamps. And they worked, like there were electric outlets somewhere around. I had paper sheets spread all around the table and I was there drawing, but the hour was late and the sun was going down quickly. I called my boyfriend to tell him I was on my way home. Before I could gather my stuff the sun disappeared behind a hill and the lamps shut down aswell. I was left in deep darkness, unprepared and confused.

Things I really really like

Saying that I love brambles and alkekengi is not enough, really. I adore these plants.

Queen of my land

When you're the only ruler of your time you might feel a bit too much free, and this might cause you vertigo. You're used to have, what, 5 hours to fill with your own personal needs, now you have 24! OMG. Anyway, this feeling is soo cool. I like vertigo, I like sick stuff so I like having time to loose, as long as it's not properly loosing time, more like learning to do something by wasting time. You might not earn money, but you might learn, which is another form of earning: virtual, personal earn.

And. I've been home for two days and I have to say I did stuff. Not that I'm really satisfied with this stuff but at least it's something. I've drawn 2 comic frames (one is the one here aside, I'm loving how this girl turned out, her expression is so cute yet somehow sly!)and the first page of a collaboration I'm planning to do with my boyfriend. It will be called something like "Ashley&Mork's adventures", but I'm gonna beg him to change it :D

Then I'm still writing bits/planning stuff for Imago Vocis, I think I've got the right starting point.

But I need an expert of ornithology. Don't you know about the bird?

Today I'm humming a song, as always is Tori Amos (I'm such a hopeless fangirl):

He spotted it

"Many people labor in life under the impression that they are doing

something right, yet they may not show solid results for a long time. They

need a capacity for continuously adjourned gratification to survive a

steady diet of peer cruelty without becoming demoralized. They look like

idiots to their cousins, they look like idiots to their peers, they need

courage to continue. No confirmation comes to them, no validation, no

fawning students, no Nobel, no Shnobel. "How was your year?" brings

them a small but containable spasm of pain deep inside, since almost all of

their years will seem wasted to someone looking at their life from the outside.

Then bang, the lumpy event comes that brings the grand vindication.

Or it may never come.

Believe me, it is tough to deal with the social consequences of the appearance

of continuous failure. We are social animals; hell is other people."

Nassim N. Taleb - The Black Swan

This is the point.

Could this be fixed with Mary Jane?

Yeah several people suggested me to try some weed instead of taking xanax but hey, you know...

Anyway, I don't like some things while I like others, like everybody. And you happen to dislike some things stronger when your body screams you "HEY GAL THIS ISN'T GOOD", in those moments when your brain can't stand any kind of sound. And yes then there is this kind of claustrophoby that rises when a little problem comes out suddenly, and it makes you feel like you're choking, but you're not because you're breathing, so you don't understand what you have to do, do you have to breathe less or breathe more? So you sit and cry in panic even if it's all ok, there's just a shitty little irrelevant problem you have to deal with and you can't. It's really like choking, you want to go outside, you want to think about something else but you can't, it's late and it's dark and no, tomorrow we have to work.

I miss the air, I miss the brambles, I miss the physalis, I miss the earth, I can barely remember how does it feel at touch. I miss the me who used to daydream all the time.

How far is March?

La Mercante di Luce

She's done :) My beloved optic has her first official portrait!

Here's 'She Tames The Light' on other websites:

Deviant Art

GfxArtist

And here's a bigger version for detail lovers!

She Tames The Light full

Enjoy! C&C always welcomed, of course!

The optic

I can't say I'm working fast on this, but when it comes to drawing there's no need to hurry. Hurry is bad. You need to leave the picture rest. You need to leave it aside for days, weeks, because then you'll take it again and you'll find all the mistakes. That's because it takes so much to make a single, stupid, fucking and simple illustration. Because I'm slow, lazy, and because the pic needs to be washed away from my brain before I go back to work on it. To perceive the real picture.

I must admit I'm so horribly lazy, I never had the patience to sit down and draw a decent background, a car, a house, some shitty perspective. No I kept on drawing cartoonish girl faces, boobies, idiotic expressions and scarves. Fuck me.

Anyway, I think I'll finish this before 2012.

Click HERE to see fullsize version, thankee :)

2011 with good intents

Yeah, I've made a list of things I want me to do during next year, like "do stretching all the mornings" "wake up earlier" "study piano" "draw comics you fucking lazy self-pitiful whore" "read books you lazy mp3 player sucker" "be a good housekeeper" "eat healthy" "DO WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT". I've stretched a tread over my desk where I'll hang pictures and drawings, I've sticked a Sailoor Moon poster to the wall and Ive reorganized my "work station". This morning I woke up 15 minutes earlier to do some gym and to drink a tea with some bicuits. I've lost the habit to have a breakfast, but I love breakfast. I think that if I don't give up within 2 days as usual, I'm going in the right direction to get myself back.